The second blast

Why do they want me there that much earlier…? They’ve already given me an appointment.. Why the rush? 

 I had been waiting for weeks for the biopsy result. Out of everything that had happened this wait had been the hardest. Was it benign? Was it malignant?

A letter from the clinic arrived, they’d changed the appointment date with the doctor, nearly two weeks earlier than the first scheduled  meeting.. Maybe because of the holiday times and they just happened to have a free slot.. yes, maybe that’s why.. or is it that urgent..?


Fidgeting fingers, sweaty palms, a heavy chest and a tight hard knot in my tummy.

”Hi, apologies for keeping you waiting.. How about we go sit down in my office.. you can just bring extra chairs from here”


We placed the chairs in a circle around the doctor’s desk, myself, my father and my mother sat down as he spoke;


”We have received the results from the pathologist….It was hard to detect but there are some cell division there.”


”It’s cancer”



Cancer. Cancer. Even if I’d already imagined and feared that he would spell out that word about a houndreds of times the past few weeks.. That cold, horrible word cut me deep. Stabbed me.





Fuck fuck.


Mother-fuck. Shit.


The law of gravitation is one of the four fundamental forces of our universe.

It gives weight to all physical objects and grounds us.


But what happens when the earth underneath you opens up, a big gaping hole swallows you and youre free-falling? Can gravity pull you up to the surface again?


Finding out that I have cancer… It knocked me. I know them all now; panic attacks, paranoia, anxiety and despair.

My family… Always there, my wonderful parents, my amazing sisters. Jonna, Sonya and Julia. Soft strokes, warm hugs and loving kisses.


My Irish family, the Shiels’s. All my beautiful friends Mairead. I have so many strong shoulders to lean and cry on.

My friends and family are my pillars. They hold up this monumental arch of me now when the big storm is threatening the construction but it’s also so very important with that one person. The one that barks up, gives you that hard burning slap across the face, chuck you your armour and drag and push you to the enemy front line and says ”You’ll have to face this head on now Vanessa” Dave, a.k.a The Feral did that. He wouldn’t let me hide behind a rock, wouldn’t let me procrastinate.   And,  I knew he was right, I can’t stay in this place, it’s too dark. It drains me and it makes everything rot. It’s a dangerous place, I think it’s even more dangerous than the cancer itself.


I need to get out. I need to get out of this black hole. I need gravity to find me again.


““It Ain’t How Hard You Hit…It’s How Hard You Can Get Hit and Keep Moving Forward. It’s About How Much You Can Take And Keep Moving Forward!”  -Rocky Balboa

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En reaktion på “The second blast

  1. Ryser.
    Du skriver så innerligt så att man nästan kan förstå hur det känns. Men det kan man ju ändå aldrig göra på riktigt.

    Du har alltid varit en så tuff person (i ditt personliga liv och med alla utmaningar du tar dig an) och imponerat på mig. Klart du tar dig igenom det här till andra sidan!

    Love u!


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